Why do the Joneses often have the urge to bully us to go “up” to where they are?
When I was a kid, my dad lost his job. In hindsight, it was not a big deal, we kept going on holidays, I still had piano and horse-riding lessons, we still attended one of Paris’ most expensive private schools and lived in a prestigious neighborhood. But my parents gave us a big scare, making it look like we were about to be homeless if we didn’t turn off the lights and used too much toilet paper. I believed it and never asked for anything. I remember my mother consulting my dad about a $20 winter coat I really needed as I outgrew the previous one.
Kids at the private school were harsh. If you didn’t have the latest fashion, they’d ask “Are you poor?”. I was just a tween but decided to get jobs to pay for whatever I wanted. Between baby sitting gigs and piano lessons, I was pulling at least $500 a month, which was a ton of money compared to the rich kids’ allowances. I bought a few clothes, then decided trying to look like them wasn’t worth my hard earned money. Still they would pressure me to go on shopping sprees with them. I always had the excuse that I had to work, but they really wanted to push anyone to do the same they did.
Ten years later, I was sitting at my desk eating the lentil stew I had made the previous day for dinner. It was yummy and the perfect comfort food for a cold winter. My boss came near, looked at my plate, made a disgusted face and said “I should really give you a raise if you are down to eating that kind of crap”. Then the rest of the office proceeded to have a processed triangle sandwich and a bag of chips, washed down by a can of soda. Not only lunch cost them five or ten times what mine did, it was also full of chemicals and other bad ingredients, you could indeed call “crap”.
I could avoid being the black sheep and get a sandwich, or I could keep on bringing my lunch to work, hand my resignation a year later, and enjoy a leisurely life under the Guatemalan sun while they’d stay in the gloomy office until they’re 65. I chose the latter.
Why do the Joneses want to drag you into their little circle so bad? Why can’t they live in peace with all the stuff they have and their like minded peers?
A couple of friends are miserable having had babies too soon, and having married just because Cosmopolitan said your life was ruined if you weren’t married by 28. Like, depression, pill-popping miserable. Yet, instead of admitting they made a mistake, they bug me all the time about when I am getting married and starting to reproduce. I wish I were mean enough to say “when I look at you, I feel like it’s never going to happen”… Although I hope to find a life partner some day, and maybe start a family, I will never do it because my friends do. It is the same with money and life.
When I think about it, people are afraid of what is different. They try to scare you into not doing it, so you can keep being average just like them. Their fear can manifest differently, from fake “I care about you, you shouldn’t do that” advice, to plain sabotage of your plans.
Just like the bucket of crabs preventing the one smart crab from escaping by dragging him down.
When I prepared for a round the world trip in college, I tried to save as much money as possible during the last year. I was ridiculed, threatened that my degree would be worthless when I’d be back, and told all kinds of travel horror stories. Few people said “I wish you the best”. Those are the ones I remained friends with 12 years later.
One of the best reactions was “I think that is a great project for you. I could never do it myself for XYZ reason, but I am sure you will succeed because you are meant to do that”. Person emphasized, even though it was not their cup of tea at all, and sent good vibes.
The Joneses? They were plain angry when they heard my plan. “What? you’re going to have no house for a year? no car? how can you do that?”
It takes strength to walk to the beat of your own drum, but when you are happy and satisfied with your life (also heard from the Joneses “wow, you are glowing, you look so happy. When are you coming back to corporate life and getting a real job?”), why do people have to insist you become the unhappy person they are? They want to belong so much it terrifies them to see someone could actually bloom in another lifestyle.
Emma Healey says
I so hear this! When my husband and I were living in a crap, dark (cheap) one bed apartment while we were saving to travel people were mortified! We earned over 150k per year but we lived cheap so we could get out of that life. No one understood why we weren’t living in a McMansion with a pool and trying to explain it just got funny looks. Now we are living on the beach in Spain and they are still in the cubicle, and likely will be until 65.
Pauline says
Exactly. Every now and then I tell a friend about how much a car lease payment or bigger house rent is doing to their finance over 10 years and that’s probably why they’re broke even though they still work, and they shrug it off like I am crazy. But every once in a while one really does the math and makes me proud! haha you can’t change people if they don’t want to.
Tre says
There is never enough money to keep the Jones happy! People put too much value on stuff and don’t enjoy life because they are always working for more stuff.
Kassandra says
They can really be bullies at times. I listened to them for a long time before I figured out that what they wanted was not what I needed. I’m so happy I am able to just tune them out and not care anymore. Good post Pauline!
Pauline says
Thank you! That is usually when they get even more stubborn, like I have an uncle that ridicules every project I make. “oh, you invested in that? are you crazy?” “so, you still don’t have a job? how do you live anyway?” and it has been 10 years!
Jenna says
I’ve always thought a little differently, and it’s brought me far beyond the world I grew up in.
I appreciate having this community full of weirdos! We might not keep up the Jonses, but there is still other people like us to connect with!
Pauline says
You’re right, sometimes it is hard to find similar people near you. I have had people thank me for daring to share different opinions, and saying they felt really lonely until they found my blog. I had a few friends who were like me but still we were not the norm.
Melanie @ My Alternate Life says
This is a great point! It’s not just us trying to keep up with the Joneses, but we are also getting dragged down by them! I often see that in my decision to not have kids and not get married. People think I’m a freak because the bf and I have been together 6.5 years and now I’m 30. But I don’t want any of it. It’s my life, why do they care? You are right, they are probably miserable!
Pauline says
Not all of them are, but the ones who try to get you to have baby just so they don’t feel like they made a mistake having them too young or at all probably are.
lala says
I sure know about the bully neighbor. I’ve had this neighbor try to bully me into getting a new driveway like him ( we could get a discount if we both do it), New awnings, even wanting me to plant a certain kind of tree in my yard. I avoided him and hid from him for years and finally had to laid the law down and told him please mind your business and leave me alone. Now he trash talks me to the other neighbors. I live a simple life and don’t care if I have stainless steel appliances or granite countertops but I have security in my emergency fun. I wish people wish just let other people live.
Pauline says
Sounds like a horrible person. We cleaned in front of our house because we wanted it to look nice, and other neighbors did the same as a result because their houses looked full of weeds but we never asked anyone to! And it was like a $20 improvement so we didn’t feel bad when they did.
Mrs. Frugalwoods says
I can really relate to this, Pauline! I bring my homemade rice and beans to work for lunch every single day and I know my co-workers do not understand it at all. The comments I receive about my clothes, hair, food, car, etc are priceless. I just smile and nod and think, if you only knew! This is perfect: “people are afraid of what is different.” And I think that’s why people are afraid of early retirement and financial independence. It’s different. And I’m glad! Thank you for this!
Pauline says
Thank you! If you compile a best of with all the unique comments, I have a few to add.
Erin @ Journey to Saving says
I love this, and I love how you learned to stick to your guns at such an early age. While my parents were frugal, I did feel some pressure to “fit in,” and I remember asking for an iPod in high school because everyone else was getting one. Thankfully I actually used it, but I don’t give into consumerism so easily any more. It really comes down to doing what is best for you, and not focusing on what everyone else is concerned with. No one else is going to care about your bank account as much as you will!
Pauline says
Finances should be a personal matter, unless you are doing something really bad and need help. But bullying people into buying stuff should be frowned upon.
Rocio says
This is a truly great post, Pauline. Thank you for sharing. It is so true that some people want you to live your life as they see fit. Sometimes taking the road less traveled is seen as a threat to their way of life, but I am so happy to see you and many others have succeeded and want to do the same one day.
Pauline says
Thanks Rocío, it gets much easier as the years pass and people actually realize my path wasn’t so bad. Now some even come to me for advice!
Anne @ Money Propeller says
I always shake my head when things like the food comment come up. I have one coworker in particular who just DOESN”T get it that when he does things like buy table service in Vegas on vacation, that’s all his choice. Don’t tell me a few weeks apart that “it’s different for you, you don’t have kids” and then also tell me about the ways you flagrantly waste money and feel trapped in your job!
Pauline says
Yep, you can’t make people change. When they do weird things I just keep quiet.
Jon @ Penny Thots says
I agree in that I think most people put you down/ridicule you because they are too scared to go against the grain to do their own thing. They try to get you to do as they do because they are jealous.
I think this is why I have such a small group of friends. I don’t do the drama thing well and the 5 friends I have are all down to earth people that don’t get caught up in the hype.
Jayson @ Monster Piggy Bank says
Most of them are bully. But, why keep up with them when you can no longer afford things you used to afford. First, I think acceptance is important that you are in this situation and then adopt to the situation you are in. Lastly, have a game plan before getting in the battle ground to fight.
Jess @ Best Credit Cards Canada says
I find the exact same to be true. I also noticed this in office culture. When everyone was spending $20 on salads from the latest salad bar, they also teased me for bringing my lunch and made it seem like I didn’t have a life if I was able to make a packed lunch at home. I always feel that this must come from some sort of insecurity. If you are truly happy, you don’t care what others are doing.
Joker coat says
I like the lampshade style dress, it would fit my physique and lifestyle better. No hobble skirts, and no corsets, PLEASE. (Remember Scarlett O Hara trying to get her waistline back to pre-baby size?) They still have some of those narrow at the hem skirts at my granddaughter’s private school, but not many young ladies seem to prefer them.