You want your kids to have the very best, to give them everything you can and who can blame you? But there is a fine line between giving them a good life and spoiling them. What do you think about parents paying for their teen’s or young adult’s…
courtesy of Amazon
Clothes
When I was a teenager, I had a few random jobs such as tutor, piano teacher or baby-sitter, so the deal with my parents was that they would provide for BASIC expenditures, and that included clothes. They liked a department store brand and would go there to dress my sister and I (boy did I hate when they dressed us the same! they said if they lost one they would know what the other was wearing). When I started asking for other brands, they said they would take me to the usual store, look at the price of a pair of jean’s and give me the money to go buy any pair of jean’s. I had to cover the difference with my own money.
I thought it was quite fair, since they didn’t close the discussion saying brands were stupid, they just would not pay premium for it.
College
This one is a tough one, especially in the US. College is expensive, many kids are required to go yet their degree will not be worth as much as what it cost, and they will rack truckloads of debt. How about making it easier for your kid?
My aunt and uncle paid for their 4 kids to go to college, that included semesters at US universities and expensive private business schools. The condition was each kid had to try their very best at school, since they had no excuse to get bad grades. They could afford free internships at good companies, and to choose their career path based on passion and not price. They all landed good jobs and were responsible with their monthly stipend. While the parents would pay for anything tuition wise, they were given a tight housing and food budget to live on.
I paid my way through college, and those were pretty lean years, although I managed to save $25K by the time I graduated. I learned the value of hard work, independence, but could have gotten better grades. Also, because top tier business schools would have required 6 years of study, I went to tier 2 that only required 5 years. It turned out fine since I don’t use my degree anyway, but could have somehow crippled my career had I wanted one.
I would pay for my maybe kids’ college if they were the best in their fields and studying some more to get the best grades would really make a difference. If they are off to a random college and have time to join a sorority, they have time for a part time job.
Car and gadgets
Once again, in the US most of you will consider a car a necessity, in Europe, far from it. I bought my first car when I was 28, held it for a year while I lived in Morocco, then got rid of it and bought my second one recently. Both were paid cash with my own money.
Regarding gadgets, my mum has long given up on trying to find birthday gifts so she usually gives me $300 to $500 to pay for a laptop, a camera or whatever I fancy at the time. I admit it is hard to find a gift for a girl who is always traveling around and living out of one suitcase, so I prefer to get cash to spend on needed items I will use daily.
I think I would like my mum to pay for things I need if I couldn’t afford them, and that may be a down payment on car or a new phone if my job depends on it, but I normally wouldn’t expect anything from her, especially a car. Many times when I mention that I am saving for X she says “I could help you with that”. I refuse except if my birthday is around the corner, but like the idea of not providing everything, and letting a kid be responsible for gathering part of the money.
Life expenses
It really depends. Charging rent to your high school kid is quite extreme, but so is having a 30 year old mouth to feed. There was a post on Are You Gonna Eat That where Anna talked about her 75 year old grandma still working to maintain her two healthy and able adult kids living at home with her. That should NOT happen.
When I go back to Paris, I stay with my mum and I don’t pay rent or food. She always eats the same stuff so she takes care of the basics and if I feel like something more, I go and buy it. If I make sushi I leave a plate for her. And I do stuff around the house, the last time I painted her kitchen and living room. I don’t feel like I should pay because
– my mum wouldn’t let me anyway
– she is in a good place financially
– this is a TEMPORARY thing.
At most, I stay for a month or two, to regroup and think about the next move. Out of that month, I am away most weekends, and out most nights. I clean my room and do my laundry, generally hers too, and her dishes. She gets maybe a 30% increase on her food bill and water bill. Last year I saved her $1,500 by sending her to pay off her mortgage early so that should cover it for a few years to come haha.
Travel and holidays
My grandparents used to take the whole family, children and grandchildren to a yearly vacation abroad. There were 20 of us and it was awesome. We went to Russia, Italy, etc and on special “cousin nights” during the year. Those moments are priceless memories and I am so grateful my grandparents were able to afford such luxuries. My other set of grandparents are less extravagant but almost always insist on paying for my train ticket if I go visit them.
And when I spend the holidays with my mum I expect her to cover everything. There is a Spanish saying that goes “if you want to see your kids, invite them to eat” (si a tus hijos quieres ver, invitalos a comer”). While I think it is a bit sad that you would only go to visit your folks because you want to eat well, a meal or a day out cements the family and I think it is a parent’s responsibility to cover that. And to do it as often as possible, even if it is simply a Sunday lunch at home. The only exception I make is when my mum visits me in my different foreign residences, I cook and do everything for her, because this is my house and she would not be comfortable looking for kitchenware or buying products she doesn’t know.
House
In Guatemala, the normal wedding gift for upper middle class is a house, paid for. It is quite frequent to see parents paying cash for a $250K-$500K house. To live well, the newlyweds need around $1,000 per month, that will cover a $200 maid, $300 for food, $200 for utilities and cable/internet, and $300 for gas and fun money.
So many young couples make $1,000 or $2,000 but live in a half a million dollar mansion. Their money reality is completely twisted. They likely received a brand new SUV as a graduation present a few years before, so they live the high life without being expected to work and get by in life. Their parents were smart, built a successful business and led a frugal life so their kids would have it all but they have completely spoiling them and distorting reality.
A few of those young couples are down to earth, grateful and aware of their luck but they are dime to a dozen.
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My parents would help me out with anything education related from books to college. But for anything “fun” I was basically on my own.
Sounds fair to me. You learn the value of stuff while not needing 5 jobs to pay for college.
When I lived at home my parents covered my clothing, not that it was a big expense, I lived in a small town with only low cost clothing stores, and I never asked for anything. After I moved out, my dad helped me financially when I got sick and had to leave university, other than that… well, my mom has paid for two vacations, where she and I went together, but that´s mostly because she desperately wanted to travel and needed someone to travel with, enter me! I guess that for my future kids I would pay for clothing and all necessities, but not cars, nor weddings, houses or anything like that when they´ve moved out.
I guess the opinion is different about college in the US since it costs a lot, and then you don’t want your kids getting into credit card debt, … while we learn about living lean and delayed gratification.
We are definitely trying to help our girls with college. I haven’t even thought about cars yet! Thanks for reminding me…arrrgh!
cars, make up, skirts, gorillas to scare bad BFs away…
That’s exactly how my parents did the clothing budget with me too. It meant that if I wanted something fancier, id need yo work or be more frugal.
Its also fascinating what the marriage gift norms are in other countries. I just heard an interesting Npr article about how ridiculous the gifts are getting in China. Im just glad were not expected to do that in the US.
In Europe/US, the bride and groom generally have been living together a few years and already have a rental, furniture, kitchenware, etc. I get that equipping a new couple is great but having to fork out enough to pay a house cash is a tad overboard IMO.
“In Guatemala, the normal wedding gift for upper middle class is a house, paid for. It is quite frequent to see parents paying cash for a $250K-$500K house.” My jaw literally just hit the floor. Wow. I plan on helping my kids get a cheap used car when they are 16 and hope to pay for 30-50% of their college tuition. I also want them to feel welcome to live at home if they want to save money during their college years, and want them to feel like they have a place to go back to in case they hit hard times (i.e. layed off, can’t find a job after school, etc.). Anyway, happy to be co-hosting with you!
Yep, $500K houses, not too shabby as a wedding gift. Maybe I get married just for that haha!
I earned my college degree through parental scholarship. My parents spend too much from transportation, tuition, boarding and everything for my education. However when it comes to our (my wife & I) wedding, we didn’t received expensive items or huge amount of money from both our parents. Just a simple kitchen ware.
My wife and I managed to save enough money for a decent church wedding.
It is great your parents provided you with an education, that is the most important, then you can get by on your own with life.
Those wedding gift numbers are incredible! My wife and I had scholarships to cover most of school, but we did manage to have some student loan debt. I also lived at home and they paid for food and a few expenses during that time. I’d say my parents have been extremely generous.
$300-500 seems like a really nice amount for a birthday gift! I’d like to get that each year!
I know, I am lucky, although my mum doesn’t spend anything else on me since I am 17 and don’t live with her, so that is only $40/month (she doesn’t even spend on phone calls since I live abroad lol). I felt bad at first but learned to accept gracefully.
My parents worked hard to provide me with a college education, but if I needed clothes and other things, I usually had to pay for them with my job income. I think you need to provide your child with the skills to pay their own way, but back them up if they need help.
That would be smart, although the line is very fine between needing help and relying to much on mum and dad to grow up as independent adults.
I really tend to think that it comes down to your personal family situation in regards to what to cover and not cover. I think, most importantly, is setting up your children to be financially literate and help them see the true cost of things as well as the importance of saving for the future.
Your family situation can be that you have enough money to cover everything but will spoil your kids by doing so. I know of parents one would consider poor who would blow an entire paycheck for a kid’s bday party. Financial education is the most important.
Thanks for the mention, albeit an unfortunate circumstance. I agree it’s not okay for your parents to provide well into your adulthood years, though I’d like to provide for my future kids’ college tuition/books/etc. (but just the basics like you said). That’s really surprising about the normal wedding gift – so is it expected that this generation also does the same thing for their future offspring, or are they just squandering their money away?
From colonial times to post WWII, anyone immigrating to Guatemala could make tons of money, and giving a house to your kids was peanuts. Now the market is getting saturated and a strong middle class is getting into business too, meaning the higher castes really have to work if they want to maintain their power, unfortunately the 2nd or 3rd generation is just wasting money and the next one, never used to lifting a finger, will probably be broke. My BF’s sisters got 2 houses each when they got married, and went to live with their husbands in a third. If they got divorced, they could live in one and live off the rent from the other one. But they thought they knew better, sold the houses, bought cars and holidays, and are now broke divorcees.
My thought process might change in the future, but I’m not planning on buying my daughter a car. I had to purchase my first car and it helped with a sense of responsibility.
We’re saving for the girls’ college education. Ideally, it would be nice if we could pay for it and not have them incur student debt. Of course, it depends where they want to go and what they want to do. 🙂 I would definitely put a few caveats in there – good grades are a must. I want them to enjoy college but I also expect them to do well too. I’ve worked with a lot of people who let their kids follow a boyfriend/girlfriend/BFF to an expensive college, but given what their child wanted to do – the amount of debt they would have to repay didn’t make sense for what their child would earn. So that would definitely be a factor. And most importantly, I would make the girls understand the cost of college. The choice we made to help pay for it. The responsibility they have and so forth. Great post and giveaway!
so no tequila shots at a Art school’s sorority, got it. I went off to travel for a year after college, it was frustrating to spend 5 years studying and working while my peers had everything paid for, but many graduated in 6 or 7 years instead, while I was traveling for a full year, debt free and independent.
I gave my kids the very best! My wife and I spent a lot of time with our kids visiting the library, museums, parks etc. My wife worked part time when they were young and taught them how to read and gave them a love of reading. We spent time with them which created a good relationship wher ewe could influence their lives for their good. We gave them the best education money could buy. They went to private school and we paid for college. They are now successful, wonderful human beings!
looks like you did a wonderful job! strong family bonds and a curiosity for learning are the best thing you could give them.
Really good rundown. My son is only 1 so I haven’t truly faced this dilemma yet, but it’s something I’ve started giving some thought to. On the one hand I want to teach financial responsibility, but on the other hand I want to be help where I can and even spoil a little bit. I really like the concept of providing a baseline but letting him spend whatever we wants for things over and above that, like you mentioned with clothing. You can provide and still give room for them to make their own decisions.
It is good with responsible kids but you could end up paying for roof and shelter while the kid spends all his salary on booze or brand clothes. Definitely a tough choice.
It’s a fair point, but I think allowing them to make “mistakes” is all part of the learning process. I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes and those are really what’s helped me learn.
I would not mind paying for most of these things for my kids as long as they are learning the proper money lessons along the way and are able to assume financial responsibility at the appropriate time. If my young adult children would start to feel entitled, waste my resources, or engage in self-destructive behaviors the money flow would stop. For example, I would not pay college tuition for them to get drunk every weekend and fail their classes. Don’t think I will be buying them a house either. They will have to earn that one on their own.
Hello Pauline. I had no idea that people bought their children houses (except for the rare family with old money, perhaps?). As an expectation? My goodness! That is a little much!
While I would love for all young adults to leave college without debt, I do not think it is the parents’ responsibility to pay for it. What they should do, however, is explain what student loan debt is, how it works, and what they will be paying when they sign the dotted lines. Once someone is an adult, which I guess is 18 (though I didn’t know my head from a hole in the ground then), whatever parents give you is above and beyond. It’s nice but not necessary. Great food for thought here!
I think it’s really tough to know where the line is. My parents provided everything we needed and more, but never spoiled us. They did not pay for my education, but did do things like cover my car insurance and health insurance until I was out of school and working. My Mom still generally will give me some money for plane tickets when we go visit. I don’t ask her and don’t expect it, but she can afford it and it makes her feel good. We are saving for our daughter’s education, but she will only have access to those funds if she applies herself. We aren’t paying for party 101. I think the most important thing my parents did was to stay involved and be strict about the things we were allowed to do and they had high expectations. I hated it then, but can see the value now.
My parents were generous with me, to the best of their ability. Not over the top, but reasonable.
I tend to be that way so far. I do believe that the basics need to be provided by parents. However, things beyond the basics can be paid if within the parents’ means, and if the parents choose to do so. No obligation. If the kid wants something beyond the basics, he or she should be willing to work for it. The jeans example, where a kid wants a super premium brand over a regular store brand, is what I mean by this.
Learning that we only get what we earn, and that we aren’t entitled to things automatically just because we think we’re special, are important parts of growing up!
“they said if they lost one they would know what the other was wearing” We were pretty susceptible to getting lost. I maaged to get on the ferry back from Liberty Island ahead of my parents and it left before they were able to board. I was 8 at the time. My sister got left behind on a field trip! After that, we always were put in bright orange shirts for field trips and family outings to busy places.
I paid for (and am still paying for) college myself. No help was offered or expected. What was paid for during all of my schooling was car insurance. Plus, when I wasn’t in the dorms, I lived at home, which made life a lot cheaper!
haha I can imagine you standing out of the crowd in bright orange for a field trip. I got lost once at the park and it was really scary, I found my dad half an hour later, he had been skating with my sister and hadn’t noticed, after that I stayed very close.
Great post, Pauline. We will probably do halfsies with the kids on cars and stuff, maybe even college too. My grandmother, when my mom and dad got married, said, “I’ll give you x amount of money. You can have a big wedding with the money, or a small wedding and then buy whatever you need for your house. They chose to have the small wedding and buy furniture for their apartment. I like the idea of giving the kids some choices, giving them some cash, but not footing the bill for everything.
that was smart from your grandmother so offer choices, and show there is not only one way to do things.
Very interesting and informative.. and very fair too! You learn to earn the better things in life.. value for handwork, for hard earned money and appreciation for the better things in life ..all at one go!
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