Good morning everyone! Please help me to welcome Brian Fourman, who is a former private school personal finance and Bible teacher now turned stay at home dad and blogger. His hobbies include rental real estate, running, cooking and sports. In his down time, he loves hanging out with his four kids and hearing his wife talk about all the cool things CPAs do at work. You can check him out providing encouragement and inspiration on his blog at Luke1428.com or by connecting with him on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.
Let me know if you would like to guest post on RFI.
So, you want to be a stay at home dad? Great! I’ve recently become one after several long years of planning and deliberation. Needless to say, it’s a decision that cannot be taken lightly.
In order to reach this point, my wife and I desired for several things to happen. First of all, my wife needed to REALLY aspire – out of her own conviction – to work outside the home. I didn’t pressure her or twist her arm to make this happen. In fact, on many levels, she wanted it more than I.
Secondly, there were of course financial matters to consider. Going from two incomes to one is no picnic. We both had to focus on making the monthly budget work minus the extra income. We knew there would be less spending done – especially for wants – than there was when we both were contributing to the monthly inflow.
My wife and I felt we needed to reach a level of financial independence for this decision to work properly. We decided there were seven hurdles that had to be cleared before I could commit to such a move. Fortunately, a few of them we began to work on years ago before the stay-at-home-dad idea even ventured into our minds.
Interestingly enough, the first hurdle may have been the toughest of all.
Hurdle 1: She makes more than I do
This is purely a mental obstacle to overcome. Both parties will have to be in total agreement with this arrangement.
Generally speaking, a man’s mind is wired differently than a woman’s. A man’s existence is clearly tied to his work. It defines who we are and is a major way we find meaning and satisfaction in life. I’m not saying women don’t have this desire or an ethic to work, only that it’s a more innate quality for a man. We live to work.
So if someone desires to become a stay at home dad, they will have to be at peace with the idea that their wife will be the breadwinner of the family. It can be emasculating, especially when seen through the eyes of other men. “You are a what?” they will say with a snicker and quizzical look.
Will you be able to deal with their good-natured ribbing? Can you live with the questioning behind your back? Will you have the courage to admit this was a joint decision in which you were a willing participant? Can you admit that you actually enjoy it?
Men, if you can’t make it past this issue, then don’t even consider being a stay at home dad. You will become resentful of your wife and feel unfulfilled in your personal life. That will only lead to harm coming to your marriage.
Hurdle 2: A sizable replacement income
Remember that job you decided to give up? How are you going to compensate for the loss of income?
The best answer is that your wife will have to make up the difference.
I mentioned earlier that our decision had involved several long years of planning. Officially, it was five years from the time the idea entered our mind to the realization of the goal. It took that long for us to muster the courage to start the journey and then for my wife to transition careers, from being a high school math teacher to Certified Public Accountant.
With four kids in our family, we knew I could never become a stay at home dad and survive on her private school teacher’s salary. So a career was needed that not only provided an initial income boost but also had the opportunity for significant salary increases in the future. Being a CPA fit right into both of those qualifications.
Her income now is equal to our combined income as educators. It covers our monthly expenses and even leaves room for continued savings to accrue.
Hurdle 3: Still able to fund retirement
As an addendum to hurdle #2, the income your wife brings in will need to be adequate enough for the continued funding of retirement. To neglect this basic step would be setting yourself up for financial hardship as you both age.
Hurdle 4: Limited or no debt
Next to increasing the monthly income, this is the biggest financial issue to take care of. If significant levels of debt still need to be paid off then it would be wiser if both spouses continued to work. Getting out of debt remains a top issue in working your way towards financial independence.
I mentioned that it took us five years for me to transition into this role. I probably could have done it in year three. However, my wife and I were committed to paying off our mortgage early before I quit my job. So for two more years we held our monthly budget numbers low and used the excess income from our jobs to pay extra on our mortgage until it was gone.
I did not want to be in debt to anyone if we were going to lose one income.
Hurdle 5: Have grown an adequate nest egg
I’m 41 years old. My wife is 39. We’ve been working non-stop since we graduated college at age 22.
So we’ve been able to build up the 3-6 months of expenses in an emergency savings fund. This would be a necessity at the most basic level if you wanted to become a stay at home dad.
During most of that time we’ve also contributed to our retirement in some way. For five years, I was heavily funding my 403(b) retirement plan through work and have seen that steadily grow. Then in 2005, we both began maxing out our Roth IRA accounts each year.
In addition, since the beginning of our marriage, we’ve been taking money from any other source we could find – tax returns, money from family, selling of personal items, etc. – and investing in index and mutual funds. All the while keeping lifestyle inflation in check so that our expenses weren’t outpacing our income.
There have been a few bumps and missteps along the way but by consistently being focused on saving and investing, we’ve been able to grow an adequate nest egg. This has created a safety net for us should we fall on hard times for some reason.
At this point you might be asking, “What size nest egg is an adequate amount?” You’ll have to decide that for yourself based on your lifestyle and the stability of your wife’s job. For me personally, I’d want enough saved/invested so that I could survive a long drought of no income – perhaps 2-4 years. If that seems extreme consider we do have people who lost their job in our most recent Great Recession that still haven’t been able to return to full-time work.
Hurdle 6: Have a passive or side income source
Cleaning the home, cooking meals, shuttling the kids to T-ball practice and being the classroom dad at your kid’s school is a full-time job. But my guess is you will still have some free time on your hands. What better thing to do in that time than bring in some side income to help the monthly budget just a little.
We’ve been fortunate to learn the rental real estate business. We own three properties I manage that bring in additional income each month. I’ve also started monetizing my blog at Luke1428 and have plans to increase that going forward.
There are a multitude of things that can help generate side income. Find one that fits your time schedule and area of expertise. It will help lessen the pressure on your wife and provide some financial cushion. It will also help satisfy that inner desire you will still occasionally have as a man to contribute financially to the good of the family.
Hurdle 7: No expected lifestyle inflation on the horizon
If you don’t have the discipline to hold the line on spending, have a kid going to college soon or, by some unfortunate reason, see huge medical expenses on the horizon (like kid’s braces), then I’d proceed with caution. These expenses, along with that new home you’ve been dreaming about, may not be possible to handle on one income.
Conclusion
Could you be a stay at home dad without clearing all these hurdles? Perhaps. You may have little choice as your personal life situation demands it happen.
However, the more of these areas you can check off and have firmly tucked away in your back pocket the better chance of success you will have.
Good luck men! I know it’s a tough decision. If you need a listening ear or have a question about your situation, you can reach me through the contact information in my author bio.
What other hurdles are there to being a stay at home dad? Is the “she makes more than me” issue overblown in today’s culture? For the stay at home dads out there, what has your experience been like?
MMD says
Good points Brian. I think a lot of men would struggle with the first few hurdles with their wives making more money than them. But I don’t think they’re really considering all the benefits that being a SAHD could bring. I know if it were in the cards I could put my ego aside and raise the kids.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
“…put my ego aside…” It’s easier to do this when you consider your marriage a team effort. What’s mine is hers and what’s hers is mine. There is no competition between us.
Holly@ClubThrifty says
I actually know several stay-at-home-dads. I think it’s great! If one parent is going to stay home to raise the kids, I don’t see why it matters which one it is.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
I don’t think it does matter Holly but in some circles you’d be surprised.
Michelle says
I know someone who quit their job to become a stay at home dad for their 5 young children. He was actually asked to become a writer detailing his stay at home journey for a local newspaper. The comments he received were ridiculous and people would actually stop him in the street to say mean things to him!
I think stay at home dads are awesome. You’re doing great! Wes will be doing the same and we’ve already talked about it.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
I haven’t received any negativity about it yet. Mostly people are supportive. Some give quizzical looks. I’ve had a few “You’re lucky…wish I could do that” comments from dads. I don’t really see it as being lucky. We spent a long time planning for it and it’s a ton of work…really like a full-time job.
SavvyFinancialLatina says
My husband and I have talked about him having the flexibility to be a stay at home dad. I don’t think he would be a full time stay at home dad. Most likely he will own his small business, and hopefully this will give him flexibility to spend more time with kids. However, if have kids, it won’t be until ten years from now. The next ten years we will focus on building our financial stability: building retirement, acquiring stocks, acquiring real estate, paying off primary residence. So much to do!
Brian @ Luke1428 says
All those things you mentioned to do in the next decade are spot on. Do those well and you will have tons of freedom and flexibility in the future to make some cool choices.
Noonan says
Great points!
Here’s one nuance that helps enormously with retirement planning for any stay at home dads (or moms): working spouses are permitted to use their incomes to fund their non-working spouse’s IRAs each year. I retired five years before my wife did (she’s 7 years younger). For each of those years we used her income to fund the maximum allowable annual contribution to a Roth account that we set up in my name. For details, and there are many, search the web for “spousal IRAs.”
Brian @ Luke1428 says
That’s a great tip Noonan! My wife is continuing to fund her Simple IRA through work with investments at Vanguard. For our Roth contributions, we are redistributing money from traditional index fund investments.
Wade says
Nice summary. My wife has always made more than me. I have no problem with that. About a year ago I left my 18 year job. I was a SAHD for 3.5 months. It was great. Our youngest is 6.5, so after some thought I am now a WAHD. (Work at home dad). I took a job working with a partner of the previous company I worked with. Flexible, decent pay and I can be both a SAHD and WAHD. It is still work, but our savings/investing have returned to a good pace. I’m hoping this can get us to 10 more years or so and an early retirement. We are 43/44.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
Wade the WAHD…I like that! 🙂 Sounds like a cool setup. Even though I’m a SAHD, I’ll be looking at ways to contribute to family income as well.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I think the key takeaway here is planning and communication. Without that this could have never happened as successfully as it has. I think people sometimes jump into things hastily before thinking everything through.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
“…jump into things hastily before thinking everything through.” Couldn’t agree more with that statement Tonya. People let their emotions take over and unwise decisions follow.
Brian @ Debt Discipline says
Great tips Brian. #1 is a tough hurdle for a lot of men. We do feel the obligation to be the providers to our families. I have seen this trend change a bit from my own personal experience. I know and work with 3 women who out earn their husbands and all are okay with it.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
I was OK with it because my wife and I had basically been earning about the same as teachers. So for her to boost up ahead of me was no big deal. Plus, it’s not like I never contributed to the household income. I had 17 years of doing that. 🙂
Alicia @ Monster Piggy Bank says
The reason why most men often stay at work is because they earn more and they can’t see how they could afford not to be the main breadwinner. In the vast majority of cases where men have decided to stay at home, it’s because their wife earns more.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
“…it’s because their wife earns more.” That was our case. But a huge part of it for us was reducing stress and providing a better home environment for our kids. Not that it was bad, just extremely hectic and we felt like a few things were slipping through the cracks. It was worth the sacrifice of my salary not to let that happen.
Shannon @ The Heavy Purse says
I love that you and Kim were able to make this happen and I know you both worked incredibly hard to do so. I agree that number #1 is key and if you can’t accept that, then the rest really doesn’t matter. Chris has a great job, but I do make more than he does. He has always been incredibly proud of my success, which is just one of the many reasons I love him and why we’ve been happily married for 24 years.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
For me it all goes back to viewing marriage as a partnership. Neither one of us is more important in this relationship. Getting to that point requires the breaking of the big ego so many men have.
Kim says
I think it’s a shame that there is still a strong stereotype of the man making more money and the woman staying home. No one seems to have much issue with that, but if the man stays home, lots of people make him feel like he is lazy in some way. There was a female dentist in my home town whose husband was a stay at home Dad, and the town just could not stop talking about that. I’m really proud that you are secure enough to not let that be an issue.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
“…make him feel like he is lazy in some way.” I can see that. Historically, it’s bred into our culture that the man is the hunter/gatherer…goes out kills and brings it home. So it become laziness if that’s not happening.
Michelle says
I think it is great that you are able to be a stay at home dad. That is a job that can not be taken lightly. When we have children, I would love it if one of us could stay at home. I would be jealous of my husband if it wasn’t me though 🙂
Brian @ Luke1428 says
You know what Michelle…I believe if my wife were responding to your comment she would say that she would not trade those first few years with each baby for anything. She worked part-time while all the children were infants, so was home with them most of the time. She even did online teaching from home so that could happen. We felt that was important for her to bond with the kids. I’m not trying to be stereotypical here but there are certain emotional attachment things that only a woman can provide. I question whether or not I could have chosen to be a stay at home dad with infants. That’s another ballgame completely.
Bryce Rae says
We really need to get to a point where the Stay at Home Dad is looked at the same as a Stay at Home Mom/Mum. We hear a lot about woman in CEO positions,are woman receiving equal salaries, etc. It will be good when we get to a point when there are the same number of men at home. This is still many of years away.But why not, most people get a tertiary education !! http://brycerae.blogspot.co.nz/2014/07/stay-at-home-parent-or-not.html
Brian @ Luke1428 says
I think the number of SAHDs will be growing. For us, my wife had the more marketable skill that could move our household income forward. It really was a no-brainer, especially because she really wanted to do it.
Ray Clarke says
I’ve been stay at home a couple of times for varying periods or part-time work. The first time our son was 4. The second time was when his younger sister was 6 and 7. Good benefits in seeing the children develop and also for self in not having to be labelled as the breadwinner.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
“Good benefits in seeing the children develop…” That is one thing I’m looking forward to the most. Felt that I missed a lot of that early on in their life with my busy schedule.
Grayson @ Sprout Wealth says
I would love if my wife made more than me! Unfortunately, that just won’t happen in her field. We have talked about someone staying home with our son or maybe when we have another child, but we both aren’t sure if it is for us. I guess it will all depend on how much daycare costs us.
Brian @ Luke1428 says
Daycare is such a huge expense. If staying at home is something you are really intent on then start planning now. Our situation took us about five years to set up where we felt comfortable with the move.
Lisa @ My Personal Finance Journey says
There was an issue between me and my husband before, when I earned more than him. But he didn’t tell me directly about that problem, he told his friend that his ego hurts and I can’t hardly understand it. But one day, I realized that we are lack of communication that’s why we do had misunderstood. And I’m happy that financial matters is not an issue for us anymore.
Steven Goodwin says
These are definitely some wonderful things to be thinking about. I know that I had a hard time with my identity for between 4-6 months after leaving my job to become a stay at home dad. Another thing that was important to us was that we could maintain our lifestyle on one income that we had on our two income situation. Our situation worked out because my wife was able to get a hefty raise to make the switch possible. Our main reason though, was to help slow down time and to have more time with our kids. Our kids were spending more time at the daycare than with us, and that was a hard pill to swallow for us. The most important job for us is raising our children. Thanks for your transparency and thoughts! It’s so worth it if you can clear these hurdles!