Today I am answering money questions for couples that were published on DINKs finance. What are your answers?
You can read the answers of Taylor from Repaid.org, Jay from The First Million is the Hardest, Money Beagle and J.Money from Budgets Are Sexy.
1. Would you discuss money on the first date?
Sure. Or at least very early. Check my post On which date should you display financial information?
I couldn’t be with someone who is a financial wreck. Recovering, maybe. But even though you don’t talk too much about money on the first date, there are signs that scream bad financial decisions in the behavior and general talk. If the guy is a primary school teacher, drives a brand new SUV, insists on an expensive restaurant and talks about pursuing a third PhD, I am out. I wouldn’t mind a guy making minimum wage who is happy with his situation (because that gives him free time for XYZ or other reason) and is able to live a balanced life on a low income, but the perpetually broke boyfriend is not going to work.
2. How long should you wait to talk about money with your spouse?
From the start you need to discuss who is paying for the date, how to split the costs of a shared weekend or holiday, and eventually your start having more serious money talks. Again, the sooner the better, because not being on the same page financially could ruin everything.
3. Who always brings up money in your relationship?
I bring up the everyday money topics. What to buy at the store, the cost of the bills… He brings up the long term stuff, buying a car, investing more in the house or 90 acres land development… Overall we are very open, know what each other makes, how we spend our personal money, net worth…
4. Is it harder to manage your money as a couple than it was when you were single?
We have separate finances safe for house and land costs. So everything stayed the same, except that I have to report my spending to BF when I want to claim his half of the expense. I don’t like budgeting but now I have to track my spending or lose half of it.
5. Would you offer to pay off your spouse’s debt?
No. Sorry pal, you got yourself in that mess, I don’t have to pay for your past. I would however pay for the occasional night out or holiday if my partner cannot afford it and I really want to go. But would never include their debt in the household budget.
6. Is debt a deal breaker?
Not if you have it under control. I would take a recovering shopaholic but would simply not function on so many other levels with an actual debt addict that I doubt the question would ever come up, the relationship would be over before it even started.
If you are committed to paying off your debt, not incurring some more except for mortgages and investments that bring more than the debt interest, and not trying to pass the burden onto me, we can talk.
7. Do you think it’s important to have the same money views?
Totally. Money can stress a lot of relationships and having the same views is primordial. We do not agree on everything but we are on the same page when it comes to how we want to live in the house we co-own, and for all the rest we keep separate finances.
8. Can you really change how your spouse spends money?
No. He is a spender at heart, likes to live well, eat well, and pay for convenience. But he is also very smart in his investments and can afford to do that. The thing is I have other priorities at the moment for my money and can’t always follow his pace, but I am trying to improve my income streams so I can, instead of taking him down to my frugal ways.
How about you?
This post was featured on Debt Roundup
Loved this! I agree with most of your answers. My partner and I have separate accounts, but we cover each other for things sometimes.
Oh sure, we pay for each other’s stuff, even with the joint account, but I think it evens out in the end, and we don’t bail each other out from financial holes.
I`d probably answer quite similar. BF is a spender too, but I`ve gradually learned him the positive ways of not spending too much, and how to save more money, so now he`s saving money each month:-)
well done! mine has no cure. We just bought a $700 fridge last week… a car and a boat 2 weeks before… but he is a great investor so he makes enough to cover all that, and pushes me to make more.
I would consider debt to be a deal breaker. Probably not student loan or mortgage debt, but certainly consumer debt.
I think that it’s important for a couple to be on the same page financially. They don’t have to move in lockstep, but they should have roughly the same goals and behaviors.
common goals are very important. A union without a good financial union is bound for disaster.
Ha, I just posted these same questions today. It’s funny how close some were while others were quite different.
off to check them out!
The one area I disagree with you on is paying down your spouse’s debt. I think that once you are married you basically become one team. There is no my debt or her debt, but our debt. My money is her money. So if one of us has student loans, we both have student loans.
that is very generous of you, but in a world where 2/3 marriages end up in a divorce, I’d rather stick to my finances. If I am doing really well and the loan is peanuts, then maybe, although my partner had fun with that money while I was working to get ahead and now I would pay for his past fun? tough subject.
My partner is definitely a spender but luckily she loves buying second hand items and finding bargains so it’s a nice compromise!
That is what my BF says, “hey, it’s cheap!”. I sigh, and pay my share. He is good at flipping things though so the last few cars he had he used for a few months and sold for a profit.
Fun post, Pauline, and I think you and I are on the same track here. Funny, though, if hubby we me 17 years ago, and I knew then what I know now, I’m not sure I would’ve married me. 🙂
lol
Honestly, I’m not sure that we really thought too much about money when we were young and in love. We did get me out of credit card debt before getting married, which really wasn’t much at all. However, our answers now would be much different from our answers back then.
she was way too cute to think about anything else, wasn’t she? 🙂
I wouldn’t consider debt a deal breaker, it would just depend on where they were at in the situation and what their attitude is towards it. I think the attitude and their plan are probably the more important things (at least in my opinion). We discussed finances early on which showed me that I found a keeper. 🙂 That said, as long as the person had a plan and were working hard towards paying off the debt I would have no problem helping them. If they were a deadbeat, then I probably would’ve moved on already.
I would help someone with a plan get an even better plan. Make more money, save more, throw more at debt, repay quicker. But don’t think I would pitch in.
My wife and I are completely separate when it comes to finances. I’ll have to admit that I’m the stubborn mule about this particular issue. It hasn’t been a big problem for us but has caused some friction now and then. A lot of it is due to our background, divorces, ex;s and child support carry an obligation that a spouse should not be liable for, and we both carry this kind of baggage!
at least you learned from previous errors. I warned a few friends when they got married and now the nasty divorces make them say “you were right” but too late.
I’m totally separate with BF, and will always be. It’s not that I don’t believe in love and daisies, but I like having my own money and to know what we JOINTLY spend money on. Control I guess, is the name of the game for us.
I remember the past generation (grandmother, aunts) having to ask their husbands for money because they didn’t work. The husband would always give them since it was for food and household but having to ask all the time left me with a resolution to do anything so that never happens.
I like being in control too.
W is a spender as well. That’s good for me because I’m an insane saver, and he teaches me to enjoy my money.
balance is good, if you compromise each way once in a while.
I like these answers Pauline. I have to agree with you and disagree with DC. There is nothing in marriage that requires you to take on your spouse’s debt. I had $50k in debt when I married my wife and I would have never asked her to help me pay it down. That is not her problem and she didn’t take on that debt. It was my responsibility and I had to face it on my own terms. That could end up bad by bringing in your spouse to stress about money with you.
there is a lot of things involved, independence, pride, fairness (if you had fun with that money you should be responsible for paying it), etc. I can’t really think of a situation where I would agree to pay for someone else’s debt.
I think the most important point in all of the questions above is being on the same page financially and discussing things. As you’ve said, your partner likes to spend but also invests well in order to make that a reality and you are both okay with that.
I am fine because he pushes me to make more money to cover all that, and even if it is a stretch, it works out ok.
Debt isn’t a deal breaker, but it is something that has to be discussed and there needs to be a definitive plan for getting out of debt.
agreed. One of my friend bought a property with her husband and since he had less cash they bought different shares of the property. Thanks to her savings they became homeowners but if something goes wrong they will each get the % they put on the house payments.
You are such a strong, independent, financially in control female Pauline 🙂 I admire that about you!
haha, yes, a little too independent sometimes!
Partner debt isn’t a deal breaker for me (I started out our relationship with student loan debt, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said I wouldn’t date someone with debt). That being said, it was my, “mess” and I certainly wouldn’t expect or want him to help me fix it. Thankfully now we don’t have to think about any student debt, just our mortgage.
you were already headed in the right direction. It would be a deal breaker for me if the person was still making bad choices.
Well, fortunately, we both started out with some credit card debt. We took out a personal loan and paid it off. Would I say it brought us closer together? Hell no! But, after taking out another small personal loan to pay off credit card debt, we finally learned. We have learned so much together, and now – with great posts like yours, Pauline – we are kicking debt’s ass.
congratulations guys! If you have recovered from financial hell together, I doubt anything else will manage to take you apart.
My wife is very much like you in the way that you think but so am I in many ways. I was big on the debt part myself and so was my wife. We both worked hard for the money we earned and the last thing we wanted was to date someone who was swimming in debt. When you get married you pretty much just marry that debt because all the things you wanted to do are now potentially on hold. I know it’s all about love but debt and money is the number one reason people divorce. There’s no sense putting ourselves in a situation even if we like the person if we won’t be happy with the debt load. There’s no two ways around it and if that’s an awful way to think, just know that our relationship is stronger than ever, money is worked on together, we are on the same page and are very happy about it and very much still in love. Some people don’t mind the debt but it really boils down to what each person wants and what’s important to them. I’m sure alot has to do with the way people were brought up and they know what they want or don’t want in life based on those experiences.
aww, so cute! money is indeed a stressor in any relationship and I couldn’t be with someone who isn’t on the same page. Like you said even if you don’t pay their debt for them there are tons of things you can’t do because of it.
Ha! We’d have never got married with such good advice. Even so, this is what young (ALL) people need to hear if they don’t want to struggle like we have. Loving your clarity and sound advice, Pauline;)
Glad you didn’t read it before then! I know it sounds cynical sometimes but based on observations around, you guys are the exception, the rule is more that money will tear you apart.
My answers would be very similar. When I was younger, I might not have viewed a person with debt the way I might today from a dating standpoint. Partly because I wouldn’t have thought it was huge deal. 🙂 I agree if someone is actively working to eliminate debt that would be acceptable but someone who is reckless with their money is not.
Earlier I would have thought it is ok since finances are separated but over the long term it also prevents the other person to buy a house or afford luxuries since the spouse can’t follow the pace.
Brian and I kept things very separate for the first little while, but lately, we’ve been mixing it more and more. It’s just easier to get ahead. We still keep separate spending and investing accounts though.
I think I have a good working relationship with money and my partner. We both like to save, but not hard core. So we both ‘plan’ our savings, and let ourselves spend the rest. We don’t share any money now, but we’re very relaxed in who pays and when – neither expect the other to pay, and we take turns (and also offer periodically). It’s nice to have our money personalities just ‘work’ – neither of us want flashy new toys (even though I keep mentioning that it wouldn’t hurt for him to have a few more pieces of clothing, so some could be at my house to make his life simpler – I get why he doesn’t act on this – it’s a ‘waste’ and I would be the same way if the shoe was on the other foot!). Anyhow, interesting Q&A
thanks! I don’t think many relationships work when both partners aren’t really on the same page financially, at least on important points.