I have read a few articles lately about frugal dating and talking money in a relationship, yet I am still not sure about that one. BF and I finished our motorcycle trip last month and he flew back to Guatemala, so we ended our relationship and I am thinking about dating again. Right now, I still miss him and I need a bit of time before I actually go back to dating, but since I am 32, and want to have a family someday, I know I can’t just go out for 2 years with someone without thinking that he could be ”the one”.
When I look back at my past relationships, I can now see clearly without so many emotions, that a lot of fights were about finances, and money. And I know that it causes a lot of divorces too. People don’t spend money the same way, some earn a lot less or a lot more than you, other are heavily in debt… Should you put your cards on the table straight away?
I am afraid that it may scare a few guys, and at the same time, if they can’t deal with my financial goals and situation, should we even start dating? Here is my situation: I make money to support myself and live a free, deliberate, simple life. I work less, so I can have a lot of free time and travel, that means that I also earn less. I don’t need the guy to pay for everything that we may do together and I won’t be living at his place after two weeks of dating! But down the line, I hope to be a stay at home mum because I think that is the best situation for a family, I can cook, raise the kids, and take care of everything so that weekends are quality family time and everyone is taken care of.
I thought first about offering some frugal dating ideas to potential dates, for two reasons. First, the guy who is able to have a picnic in the park is more likely to be my kind of guy. Then, if we don’t get along, I can just wrap up my picnic and go, I don’t have to wait for a three-course meal, and the awkward moment when you hope he’ll pick up the bill for this disastrous encounter, yet offer to pay a whopping $50 a pop for steak and mash.
And then, right away, on the first date, I want to start hinting at financial situation. A common question is to know the guy’s living situation, so I can gather if he bought or rented. The kind of job gives me a rough salary rank, and with a few more questions, I can know where his money is spent. I don’t want to be nosy, but I like financially sound people, who have their finances together, I don’t mind debt or low salaries, as long as the person is on top of it. And I think asking all this early is not the norm, but I don’t want to be blinded by other feelings down the road when I discover all the financial mess my date is in!
What do you think? Is that a bit too much?
For us we didn’t discuss money stuff until after dating for a few months. At that point we started to share more of our situation. As far as going through each other’s accounts and full disclosure, I don’t think that happened until we got engaged. I do agree though that talking about money and values is very important while dating. You really have to make sure you are both on the same page. It is the only way you can have a sound future together.
I usually have the money talk after a few months of dating, although after a few dates my sharp financial eye can usually make a good guess about the guy’s financial behavior. I don’t really care how much the person has, it is more a question of priorities while spending and financial goals on the long term.
I find that it’s better when it comes out during normal conversation. No need to have a “big talk” down the road.
Unfortunately, most people put on a mask and don’t reveal who they really are, in order to keep the relationship going. Better for both to be honest about what each other thinks than be dissapointed down the road.
-Rich
I’d rather people be honest and open straight away… if not, you can still Google stalk them 🙂
My first date with my wife was to a park to paint landscapes. I also proposed there. However, I never did so with financial purpose; it was just the kind of people we were. We’ve always preferred a nice walk or bike ride to spending money at the movies. We’ve always enjoyed cooking new recipes over eating out at a restaurant. As a result, frugality is a natural fit for our relationship without ever really coming out and having a big talk about it. Perhaps it’s just a matter of finding common interest?
Definitely, if you don’t have the same financial goals, it is very unlikely that your relationship will thrive. Thanks for stopping by JP! (and sorry for the late reply, Aksimet thought you were spamming!)
I started dating my current boyfriend a year and a half ago, right after I started my blog. Answering the classic “what do you do” question, created a kind of platform for me to lay out my perspective on money, even if not all my personal details. We’ve never had any kind of financial issue.
Hi Pauline,
Been reading your blogs and website for some time now. Very interesting
Here are some of my thoughts:
– I personally don’t really care about how much money a potential date/partner has, the fact that she doesn’t have a lot of money doesn’t bother/scare me at all, what does bother me is if she somehow wants to make me (over)compensate for the fact that she doesn’t have a lot of money, by making me overspend and giving/lending her money. If she is cool with and has a correct behavior for somebody who has little financial possibilities I am also ok with that, and am willing to help her, within reason.
– Just like you, I am a European who has experience in dating with people from Latin America. An important concept is off course machismo, and the role it plays on money in dating/relationships. Just like most Latin American woman, I really don’t like machismo, and I fully think a girl/woman should strive for her own financial independence. But I have come to notice (and be shocked by this) that even though Latin American woman really don’t like machismo and macho men, they can be really machista themselves. An example I noticed myself : no matter how much they want to earn a good salary and be financially independent themselves, even if they manage, they may still think and say that they couldn’t be / wouldn’t accept being with a partner who makes less money than they do and would still want to guy to pay for most expenses. For a European like me, this is
shocking and also contradictory.
A bit of topic maybe, bot wanted to express these thoughts.
Greg
Hi Greg, thank you for stopping by. I guess machismo is like religion, under one scope everyone has a different definition of what it should imply. My boyfriend is always saying that he wants an independent woman who makes a living and is very happy to split all expenses (including huge investments in the house and land) 50/50. But then he can have a macho attack of what a woman should and shouldn’t do. Money is a big part of being an independent woman and it doesn’t go very well with macho concepts.
I wouldn’t mind someone who makes less as long as we have the same financial priorities. If there is still money to enjoy life a bit then it’s fine. Broke people will be broke however much money they make and that doesn’t align with my goals.
I share your opinion that it is not so much the amount as the money mindset that makes a good match.