courtesy of nanofamilytips.com
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A question many readers ask me about is how does one manage relationships while in early retirement. The truth is, it is a bit unsettling.
First, there are your old friends, or your family, to whom you are a weird, eccentric individual, who chose to stop being productive in his most productive years. My mum always asks me if I am going to look for a job soon, or if I need money (I make more than she does and live in rural Guatemala). My friends give me the blank stare and ask “so, what is it you do exactly?” then wave it off and conclude I am on a perpetual holiday, probably funded by my mum.
Then, there are new friends. The ones who think I was probably a drug dealer or an escort to be able to retire so early. The ones who have me for a broke freelance writer, like a Carrie of Sex and The City who couldn’t afford a Manhattan rental and moved to the Guatemalan jungle. The ones who quickly figure out that I have a lot of free time and want to go get drunk every night, or ask me for too many favors to call it a balanced friendship.
Only a handful of my closest friends really understand my journey and how and why I got to where I am today, and a few new friends were naturally drawn to me because they want the same for themselves and are reaching for support and someone who knows what it is like. When you are so different from the average person, meeting someone of your tribe is a relief, and so many try to get together via specific forums, reaching out to people who publicize their marginal lifestyle, or experimenting great joy when meeting someone similar by pure coincidence in real life.
When I was still at my day job working toward early retirement, a couple of people around me started asking questions about why I was saving aggressively and what my future plans were. And unlike the majority who would just categorize me as crazy, I saw that it made perfect sense for them. They wanted the same. They started asking more questions and opening up the way old friends do, when we had only had polite interactions thus far. It was disconcerting to see acquaintances open up while close ones were closing down.
Relationships can be tricky within your household as well. There was a great post on ERE recently (not sure whether it was a reprint or new content as they have been republishing old posts) from a woman who got married young, had three kids between 25 and 29, and stayed at home while her husband was working with early retirement in mind. You can read the full post here. Thanks to hard work and dedication, her spouse was able to retire at 38. Looks like they had a cushion for a comfortable early retirement, not the rice and beans kind, as all three kids have $20,000 a year earmarked for college and they have a $350,000 house with no mortgage. So money was not a stressor, but she says that they got divorced soon after early retirement, because once her husband was at home all day, they had no common goal and got bored of each other quickly. All those years, they had worked diligently towards early retirement, and were both really motivated, but suddenly, they had nothing to do together.
At home, it is a bit weird too. Both BF and I are there all day. When we travel, we are also together 24/7. What do you say to someone you’ve seen all day, you can’t ask how was his day at work, you can’t inquire about his friends or his family, as it is just the two of you in the middle of the jungle. Some days, we chat for hours, other days, we say almost nothing. It can be unsettling at first, thankfully, I enjoy my introvert time too.
I spent my first year of early retirement in Morocco. I was living in Casablanca, the biggest city, spending my days writing for travel blogs, cycling, swimming and surfing, exploring Morocco and learning Arabic. At night, when my friends would get out of work, we would meet and share dinner and a few drinks. Then I was on my own until the next evening, as I don’t consider buying a pound of olives a great social interaction, and that was about all I was able to do in Arabic. It can get lonely sometimes, but it was more than enough for me, and something I had anticipated.
If you are an extrovert, you can join a sports club, volunteer at the food shelter, start a book club, join the PTA if you have kids, it is like being a stay at home mum after all, and they seem to be always busy. The thing is, you need to stay busy, for your sake and for others’. The same goes for people who retire at 65, after 40 years of a work-eat-sleep routine, and sink into depression because they don’t know what to do with so much time in their hands.
For me, it was never a problem. I generally alternate between periods of intense activity, like full time travel for a few months, and periods of low activity, like animals hibernate in winter, I stay at home, read, rest, resource. I don’t need to blab about my day to 12 BFFs and a smartphone ringing non stop with orthographically butchered texts about the smallest details of their lives. I prefer to have deep, meaningful interactions a few times a year with my dear friends than a hundred texts a day about how liquid or hard Junior pooped today.
Another strange thing is, you won’t see your friends more. If you had drinks every Tuesday with your girls, that is about all you’ll see of them. Because outside of Tuesday nights, they have their own agenda, and it didn’t change because you left your day job. And after a few times of you making an effort of going to their office so they can squeeze half an hour at lunch time to see you, you’ll get annoyed and stop going.
Your best bet if you want to stay social is to make new friends who also have time during the day.
Are relationships something you are concerned about when thinking about (early) retirement?
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That’s an interesting point about how you and BF are with each other all the time how some days you don’t have much to talk about. I can understand that. It definitely would be quite an adjustment to go from spending only some time together to pretty much all time together. Spending time to yourself is important to help keep some balance.
Great stuff Pauline! I think a lot of people fall into that trap upon retirement (early or not). I think it probably depends on your personality and being able to channel both your introvert and extrovert personalities to meet the situation.
I hadn’t really thought about it to be honest, but I guess so. So long as I have my wife and my son close by then that is all I really need, but it would be nice to not be thought of as a “drug dealer”…
My dad is about to enter retirement (1 -2 months away) so I will have to ask him what he thinks.
That story about the husband and wife is a really powerful one. I get worried when I see people focus so strongly on “early retirement” without what seems to be a clear idea of what they’d like to do when they get there. To me, “not working” is not really a goal. It’s much more productive to find out now what it is you DO enjoy and try to create MORE of that, rather than just focusing on less of something else.
I realize that was a bit of a tangent, but it struck me. I’m nowhere near as extreme as you, but I do get the feeling of being different. The internet must make it SO much easier for people in your position to connect to like-minded people.
Great post! I think you make a great point that no matter what age you retire at, it is important to figure out what you like to do and have a good plan in place so that you do not find yourself unexpectedly really unhappy with your decision.
Well, first things first: I have to MAKE it to early retirement before I would ever have to worry about it haha. But I’m not worried about relationships during early retirement. If anything, my relationship with my wife would be better because I’d have more time with her. Also, I have so many interests that even if I wasn’t working 40 hours a week like everyone else I would easily stay busy during the day when most people are unavailable.
Great point on you and your BF and sometimes not having things to talk about after being together all day. My wife and I run in to the same thing since we both work from home. It was an adjustment at first, but we’ve learned to go with it and I think it has helped our relationship grow. That said, I could not agree more about having a plan in place, especially for something like ER, otherwise you could be in for a surprise.
Well you still have the kids to entertain as well! I doubt there are many minutes of silence in your house. I don’t have kids but imagine how all that whirlwind is just as unsettling when kids move out and you are back to being on your own.
“I prefer to have deep, meaningful interactions a few times a year with my dear friends than a hundred texts a day about how liquid or hard Junior pooped today.” Amen to that, Pauline!! As we live our “different” life of self-sufficiency and working toward financial freedom, we too are finding that most others view us as odd. Thus, we are focusing our time on the relationships in which those involved nurture and encourage each other, instead of just blabbing about stupid stuff all day long, like Junior’s poop consistencies. 🙂
I read somewhere that “how are you doing” used to be a genuine question about your bowels and how everything was going… in the bathroom. I don’t think it is really necessary in 2014.
Awesome post. I think about this often, as the time gained from early retirement, alone, isn’t necessarily going to improve my life. I need to think about the things I want to do, and what relationships to fill it with. As you note, I might not just get more time with my current friends and family.
I doubt it, unless we are talking about aging parents who are retired too and have plenty of free time. Even my grandparents are so busy between charities and such that my mum sees them 2-3 times a year only. Your routine is your own to create.
The people that we look up most to in early retirement ended up starting something entirely new – from a new business to volunteering or becoming more of a political activist. I think having something outside of the house even a couple times of week helps them to be viewed as more “normal” to most, and helps keep their relationships with others from becoming too boring.
In our case, that is the guest house and land development, which we do together… He fishes, I have a blog but most of the other projects are in common. We do need some fresh air once in a while!
“you need to stay busy, for your sake and for others” – very true! A lot of people get caught up in retiring by a certain a date (and it’s important to know when you want to retire) but they don’t spend enough time figuring out how they want to spend their retirement, which is equally as important. The other problem I come across is couples don’t created goals together. They assume the other person is onboard with how they want to spend retirement and they are not. 🙂 My husband and I regularly talk about how we plan to spend our retirement (traveling!), although we won’t be an early retirement. 🙂
Well not going to be a problem so far as I don’t see early retirement as a possibility right now. 🙂 I do think a lot of couples, not matter what the age of retirement, do struggle with a new way of living. Working from home with an already somewhat flexible schedule, if that remains the same I’m doubtful things won’t be that hard to get used to. And as far as a hubby or boyfriend, I’d like to have one and test that theory! 🙂
Simply put, yes. I know a few people who tried early or partial retirement at a very young age. They found the relationship challenges to be very overwhelming. All of the sudden, they had all this free time in the day and no one to spend it with. This was a problem for them as they didn’t account for the fact that everyone else they knew was in a 9-5 job.
I remember when my Grandpa retired, it almost drove my Granny crazy because he hovered around all day until he found a schedule and how to fill his time without being annoying. I think it’s important to enjoy time with your loved ones but also have independent interests so you aren’t sitting around staring at each other all day.
It has to be even harder for a stay at home spouse to have the other half invading your space suddenly. Definitely takes time to adapt.
One of the guys at work had two weeks of vacation at the end of last year and came back even more committed to not retiring early, even though his wife retired several months ago.
I think that I could find a lot of things to do with my time, because I am quite the extrovert and love volunteering.
Thanks for posting this, I know that a lot of people don’t think about the relationship aspects at all, and your write up was fantastic.
Thanks! I imagine your colleague couldn’t stand being with his wife all day, it takes time to adapt to a new routine where you are not productive anymore.
Hi Pauline! This one tickled the heck out of me: “I prefer to have deep, meaningful interactions a few times a year with my dear friends than a hundred texts a day about how liquid or hard Junior pooped today.”
We are not retired, but we do have a lot more time on our hands than most. Our schedule is opposite of most people, so getting together is not always convenient. Truth be told, I am more of an introvert than I thought I was when I worked full-time. I think that being with CJ all day is the best. I would not do well going back into the workforce full time. Having my own business and no co-workers is perfect!
Always love your honesty!!!
Hey Tammy! Looks like a lot of fun being with CJ all day, and I think if I really had to share a cell with someone it would be BF or one of my close girlfriends, however, in normal circumstances, I need the alone time too. You guys have common activities which make it great to share, like the walks. If I want to run and he wants to fish, it makes it more complicated to spend time together.
It’s not something I’ve thought about, no! I have wondered if my parents will manage ot stay together once both retired and my brother moves out and it’s just the two of them.
I think in 6 months of travel T and I spent a grand total of less than 24 hours apart. It was different for sure, and I know what you mean about barely speaking to each other some days.
Vocab word of the day: orthographically!
Relationships are hard work, especially with a spouse. Finding someone who respects and loves you enough to let you be you without pulling you into their idea of you is difficult. Not at all surprising that the family going from intense activity to intense together time couldn’t make it. Glad to hear that you and yours are so well suited!
you had me google it to make sure it was an actual word 🙂
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This is a good point to think about. A lot of people are so focused on the goal of retirement or early retirement that they forget to make a plan for what to do when they actually get there. Some dream about it of course, but making a plan for relationships and other details is also essential.
It sounds like a lot of people are like over excited brides who plan their wedding day for months and months (or longer) and then after it is over they experience a huge let down because they never actually planned the marriage.
Thank you for your insight!