We have had a string of visitors since Christmas, and while most visits have been pleasant, one of them was pretty bad, and all were demanding in that we are used to our peace and quiet and being an introvert, I don’t like very much to be around a group 24/7.
Actually, there is only one group of people with whom I vacation regularly and NEVER have one problem. Here is how we keep it cool with my Perfect Holiday Friends (PHF).
1. Freedom. Everyone is free to do what they want. My PHF do not wait until someone suggests an activity to slowly drag their feet behind one leader. One would say “hey, we are going to the beach, who wants to join?” and you would hear “cool, I’m in” and another “I prefer to read a book, have fun”. Both answers will be perfectly acceptable. Implicitly, we all bound around diner but if you have a day trip and won’t make lunch, that is fine. This is my holiday, this is theirs, everyone can spend it how they please.
2. Initiative. That is the obvious counterpart of freedom. You are free to skip lunch, but do not expect anyone to make your meal. With my PHF, we do not set a cleaning or cooking schedule, you will find the girls making breakfast while the boys are tidying up around the house and the kids are playing in the garden (yes, PHF even function with kids).
3. Otherwise, planning. If you are not blessed with PHF, you need a schedule. BF’s horrible holiday friends suggested one couple takes care of lunch and another couple of diner. They would cook but I would be left with the dishes, the bathroom cleaning, the kitchen cleaning, and generally going after them like you would after children which was frustrating and annoying coming from adults. With this kind of people, make a clear schedule, who cleans, who cooks, and any other rules you may have to specify. Sadly, to BF’s friend, that included “please do not pee on our flower beds if you are drunk, our room is underneath and we don’t trust how you aim”. Yes, we needed a plan for that too.
4. Money money. With my PHF, we barely talk about money. We all contribute to what we consume and the only thing we would split is the rental fee. Then one friend would drive us and I would fill the tank while another one pays for the tolls and the next buys groceries. It works because we would rather pay a little more than have to write down and track all expenses (like me, my friends have a no budget approach), AND because none of us would ever dare freeload on the others. With PHF, we know when one has paid a bit too much and we won’t let him wipe his card for a day to make up for it. If you do not trust your friends to be that honest with their spending, because you have already seen them split the bill and forget the tip, or have shrimp and cocktails while you had salad and water and say “let’s split that in two”, set some rules before you leave. Get an estimate of the expenses (rent, gas, food, fun) and you can even ask for their share upfront to ensure solvency. If one expense is above normal, say you want to go bungee jumping one day, do not book for a party of 8 and then charge everyone, ask first who wants to do it and is willing to pay extra for it.
Now that we live in a remote place and the next supermarket is 20 miles away, we ask guests to bring over any food and drinks they will need. It ensures that if you don’t like my cooking you can make your own, have your allergies or specific foods, and don’t get there empty handed “thinking (you) would buy groceries on arrival” after a 9 hour drive.
5. Holiday on the lowest budget. My PHF always make sure that we have a fun time but don’t break the bank. They are happy cooking most of the meals at home and paying for experiences or travel to new places instead. We do have one PHF who makes about half the money the others make, but always plan a holiday she will afford easily. I have said no to holidays with other friends because I know they would spend as much in a week as I do for a month of motorcycle travel, and we would not do much. We would just eat in restaurants three times a day, have coffee and ice cream and cocktails to fill the rest of the time, and barely visit our destination. Try your best to make the holiday affordable for the lowest budget, and then if you want to splurge one night, go with your spouse or the two friends who will enjoy it, do not force the broke person to tag along. They will feel bad, you won’t enjoy it, both people lose.
6. This is real life. This may be the first time that you see your friends outside of college/ a bar/ work/ any social occasion for more than two hours. You can’t know in advance that Mary snores, Tom showers for 45 minutes and Bob gets cranky if he doesn’t eat at 12 on the dot. We all have defaults and we can’t put on our best smile all day. A weekend trial may be a good idea before embarking on a week long holiday.
7. Your friends are not my friends. BF’s friends came to see him, not me. I had met them on several occasions but I don’t think we would be friends without BF. Even my PHF’s other halves who are awesome are always “PHF’s other half” and sometimes, I like that they take initiative and leave our original group on its own to talk about whatever we talk when they are not around (spoiler alert, THEM). When BF has company over, I try to disappear for a few hours so they can talk about the past, family gossip, or me. Or else they would be a bit frustrated that I hung around the whole time and I would be bored listening to conversations about they adolescence.
8. Your kids are YOURS. I am always happy to play with my PHF’s kids when they are around because they are rarely in a bad mood, and pretty self sufficient when you don’t want to play with them. If they aren’t, one of their two parents will take the kid to another room, read a story or have some quiet time, allowing the other parent and the rest of the group to still enjoy the vacation. With BF’s friend, the kid was ruining everybody’s day by staying around and whining that his mom wouldn’t play with him. It may be a good time to relax on the TV rules and let the kids be kids on their own while you enjoy your adult time, but in any case, do not ruin everyone’s holiday by letting the tantrum go on in the living room.
9. It also applies to family. Just because your parents invited you and your new love to share a holiday doesn’t mean your mom has to cook and clean after you, or they have to pay for everything. Schedule some alone time for each couple or family unit to get a break. If dad wants to see the War Museum but you would rather go to the flea market, agree to meet in three hours instead of dragging the whole group around for the sake of one person.
10. Know when to say goodbye. Even with PHF, I know that after a few days, it is time for everyone to go back to normal life and part ways. A couple of BF’s friends came to our remote house, knowing it was a bad dirt road, without a spare tire. We warned them to drive slowly and they didn’t listen. When we thought they were gone, they called from 10 miles away that the tire had blown, and instead of calling a mechanic, called us, had us look around for tools, lend them our car to get a spare tire, didn’t think about filling up the tank or letting us know they wouldn’t make it in time for diner, and stayed for another night after we had cleaned their room and sheets. It took them longer to come back to us than to drive to a nearby mechanic. Your friends are here to help you when there is no other alternative, otherwise, try to be independent and function on your own. Especially if you have been depending on them for the past week.
Bonus tip: big groups don’t work. Depending on how many PHF can go on holiday, we are between 5 and 8. If we are 8, we keep it to two or three days top. After that it would be complicated to please everyone, and housing situations won’t be ideal. I have holidayed with big groups while in college and it makes every of the above ideas more complicated. You won’t enjoy your friends as much if you are 12 at a restaurant table. Keep it simple, and small.
This post was featured on The Frugal Farmer, Common Cents Wealth, Club Thrifty, Budget and the Beach, Money Cone, thank you!
Number one is so key! I can’t tell you how many vacations I’ve been on that people feel obligated to participate in EVERYTHING and they’re miserable the whole time. Everyone just needs to know beforehand that just because we don’t hang out 24/7 does not mean we’re not BFFs anymore. I agree with number 8, too. With some empathy towards the parents, but I still strongly agree. 🙂
Yes too bad people think group holidays have to be in group all the time. When it’s the case I wake up super early and leave for a walk or sleep in late until they’re all gone hehe.
I really have never had holidays with too many friends. I mean of course we have seen them here and there but nothing really planned. When they are in town for the most part my wifey and i have friend we both know from college. I agree that when they are around I try to disappear for a few so they can relax and talk like they truly want to since I am not around. Kids well since I have them I understand where you are coming from. Kids that you know will be leaving are always the funniest to be around. No matter what you know they are going home with their parents. So no worries for you.
haha yes, I love playing with the kid and as soon as he gets cranky put him back in his mom’s arms with an evil smile that says “bad mood, I bring it back, it’s yours!”.
Yeah, we do very little group travel, it’s not really my style. A few days at a time is okay, and as you say, having flexibility so people can choose their own adventure, so to speak.
Have you noticed the groups of Israelis in SE Asia? They always travel by the dozen, I wonder how they can stand each other. I tagged along with a backpacking group for 24 hours and it was hell, nothing ever got done, took 3 hours to move somewhere.. never again.
I don’t know if I agree with the bonus tip. I think bigger groups do work, because people are more comfortable to do their own thing. If you have a group of 20, 5 or 6 people at least may skip any given event… and that is a good thing. If you have only 5 people, its harder to feel comfortable doing your own thing.
That’s true, but a big group moves slowly, a meal can last two hours until everyone is served and done eating, while you want to grab a sandwich and go to the beach instead, it can be really complicated.
Good tips! Traveling with any group can be tricky. You need to make sure that you all click first. Plus, you are all used to living your own life and doing your own thing. That is why freedom is so important when you travel as a group. Having the freedom to go to dinner alone or hang out by the pool, etc. can make a group vacation successful.
I wouldn’t go on holiday with friends and their friends who are not my friends before the holiday. There are already enough surprises with people you think you know to bring along complete strangers!
If only people are more open-minded about their friends’ preference. Not all friends are friends because they like something in common. It’s about the understanding. But it sure would be nice to hang out with a group and have everyone cooperate and just enjoy.
We are much more tolerant with family members who are way worse than friends sometimes, there is this implicit law that you have to be patient with family but since you picked your friends you should be the same or more.
These are all great tips. I’ve been going on more trips with friends and other couples and it can be a lot of fun, but also more work.
If you go to a resort, that is quite fine because they clean and cook for you but even then the promiscuity is something you don’t have when you just go to a bar on Friday night.
We went to Ireland with some friends a few years back. We will probably never do something like that with them again (trips a couple states over are no big deal though). They ended up being the “ugly” Americans who couldn’t understand why everything was different. My wife was pretty embarrassed at times. Good thing the Irish are so nice or it could have been a disaster. I guess what bothered me the most is, what would they have done if we had gone to a country where English wasn’t the primary language?
Haha that’s what I thought when I read the beginning of your comment, “good thing it was just Ireland, not Nepal!”.
Oh, BF’s friends sound unbearable for a holiday-type of situation!!! We would vaca just like you and your PHFs. It’s amazing to me that so many others are content to strain a holiday trip by milking off of others and behaving incorrigibly – yuck!
They have grown up with maids picking up after them so they are not used to being left alone and having to cook and clean. That doesn’t explain the entitled behavior that because they come stay at YOUR place, your should on top pay for everything, but they are used to that since they generally holiday with their parents or in laws who foot the bills. Even BF who grew up like that was annoyed after a few days.
I’m just not a fan of traveling with a group. I’m WAY too independently minded and want to do (or not do) whatever I want. Plus, I feel like I have to be “on” around a group of people, and vacation is my time to be “off.”
I have to be “on” as well so need quite a lot of alone time at night to unplug.
Great point about everyone being able to do their own thing. It makes a vacation so much easier, especially with larger groups, when you don’t all feel like you have to make decisions together. Like you say, have a meeting spot for dinner but otherwise people can do what they want. It really helps when you have at least a couple of people who are decisive so the rest have easy choices.
I am part of the decisive and it can be annoying to always drag the others around, especially if they don’t want to come. I prefer to do my thing and if you want to come by your own initiative you are very welcome.
When I go camping in the mountains with friends it helps a lot if we make as many decisions as possible ahead of time, such as where we will camp, how many days we’ll be gone, what activities will take place (fishing, hiking, swimming), etc.
There is still room for flexibility once we get to a camp site, but at least we all start out on the same page.
knowing where you’ll sleep and eat already removes a lot of the stress, rather than having a hungry group going around in circles trying to decide on a restaurant.
I think your first one is key… Freedom! We went on holiday to Thailand with a couple and without freedom, it would have been a disaster. Doing separate activities for a day or two gives a wonderfully refreshing break!!
Sure, especially with couples, you want some alone time too.
The last time I did a group cruise with friends I too wanted to have my freedom just as you described in tip #1. Some of the others in the group felt the same way but the group had a tour guide as a lead and she felt that she needed to micro-manage us. It got very uncomfortable.
Love the pic you included. I love white water rafting trips!
I love these tips! There are some people Leslie and I are working with that would count as our own PHFs. We spend a lot of time outside of the business environment with them and always have a great time with them and their kids. There is a longer trip (weekend) coming up next month and I always look forward to the drive there because we get to spend extra time with everyone. You’re right though, the larger the group the more you either need to be able to break it up into smaller groups or decrease the time spent together.
awesome that you have PHFs too! They are rare, treat them well haha.
These are all great tips. I haven’t vacationed much with anyone except my immediate family, but I can totally understand why it could be a pain. My wife and I want to try to plan a group trip with friends so these tips will come in handy. I think your idea of vacationing together sounds perfect.
It can be a pain because you have less patience than with your parents or family for some reason. Also, members of a family have been communicating in a certain way together for years, with friends you have to learn how to communicate in case of disagreement.
Definitely agree. We have a few friends that fall into the PHF definition, but sadly their spouses do not. So that means no PHF couple’s trips since we’re not really willing to put up with annoying spouses for extended periods of time. =)
that’s sad! I am glad most PHF found great spouses, and one come alone not to be bothered by her hubby haha.
I have only been on two group trips both with mostly the same people (around 12). We all managed to have a really great time. We were there for the purpose of going skiing/snowboarding so it was just a matter of getting everyone together at once and carpooling and also being able to leave the mountain when you wanted. We all had dinner together which somehow worked out and no one argued over cleaning. I don’t think I would go with that many people for an actual relaxing vacation though. I like to be “off” as others have said and would rather go my own pace without having to worry about anyone else.
Sounds like a nice group. With some friends getting ready to go skiing could take until 11am and then the day was spoiled.
“please do not pee on our flower beds if you are drunk, our room is underneath and we don’t trust how you aim”. Yes, we needed a plan for that too.” HAHAHAHAHA!!! Fall of the couch funny, Pauline. Vacationing with anyone, in our experience, is a huge PITA. You are so very fortunate to have ever discovered any PHFs at all. They might be considered renting themselves out. I’d pay for that. In fact, Tammy and I have joked about rent-a-couple prospects for ourselves, then decided there was no market for it. Perhaps we were wrong.
yes! there is a rent a friend service, if you want more friends at your bday bash or art show. I imagine you can even rent one who will learn a thing or two about you and talk to your mom all night. But I’d rather have no friends at all, that is really sad.
Tis, but I think in Japan, the service is actually catching on. I’d have to do further research:)
I’m not into the group holidays myself but I have been with my mates on holiday before. It’s more about do what you want, enjoy the holiday. If you want to hang out doing activities you do, if you don’t, you don’t. In the end I prefer to just do what I want and go on holidays as a couple and enjoy our time together.
it is less of a headache to travel only as a couple. We often visit friends however, for 2-3 days and try to keep those rules in mind.
I’ve only done group travel once, and the freedom was key. I loved how flexible it was with everyone feeling free to do what they want, but still preserving the group feel and together moments. Good suggestions for how to do it right if we ever go with another big group!
Nice Post well I like to spent my holiday with my family and friends and i go holiday two more times in a year and after i read this Article i add some very enthusiast points to make perfect and rejoice-full my holiday journey. Thank you for sharing this awesome stuff.
Thank you for stopping by Sneha!
Ah, I was waiting for you to get to the number thing. I’ve found, in my travels with various groups and friends, that even numbers are best, although three can also be magical. Two is rarely possible. And the largest groups only worked because we ended up splitting into smaller groups. (Although we still came together for meals. Which only worked because it was a resort and built to accommodate huge groups.)
All in all, very good tips and I’m much in agreement.
Thank you! two is hard if you are not a couple. I have holidayed with a friend and he liked his time off so it was ok but more demanding than 3/4 people.
I love how honest you are, Pauline. We have not tried to vacation with friends yet. I like your suggestions and will keep them in mind if we decide to do that!
It can be paradise and it can be hell, but I trust you picked your friends well!
I’ve honestly have both experiences, and the ones that are great are great, and the ones that suck…well…because I don’t’ have people I regularly travel with, it’s tough to know what you might be getting into. I have found one solution for me though when it comes to travel. I like group vacations but I go by myself. Usually there is a schedule and you know what you’re paying, but if you want to do something by yourself you can. As far as friends, I’d have to see how they are all the time. For instance I have a friend who is a bit negative and a downer, but really wants to travel with me…and my answer would be hell no! Because if they are like that in day to day life, it will be worse in travel.
My friends make more than I do and anytime we go anywhere (vacation or just out for an evening) there’s always a great deal of eye rolling at my choice to sit something out or stick to an appetizer. It’s a bit frustrating. I don’t tell them not to do what they want to do, but they seem to judge me for not wanting it too.
Don’t sweat it too much. My friends used to pick at me and now I live on the beach and travel, while they still sit in their cubicle saying “we don’t know how you do it, life seems so easy for you”. It’s all about priorities…
Wonderful blog! I found it while surfing around on Yahgoo News.
Do you have any tips on how to get listed in
Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
Thank you
Hi Margarette, I have no idea, I wasn’t even aware of it. I guess the editors just pick the content they like.
Wonderful article, I appreciate your thoughts. This is so helpful and TRUE! This blog really speaks to me! It is really a great blog post to read and I found some interesting tips. It helps me to explore the location more deeply.
Thanks for the tips will surely try on my upcoming trips. Thanks for sharing it with us.